For decades, he lived with a hidden weight – crippling anxiety, relentless depression, and a constant sense of emptiness that no one could see. Traditional treatments failed him time and time again. But when he discovered ketamine therapy at Keta Medical Center, everything changed. This is his story, in his words. He asked if he could share it to help others find healing.
Trigger Warning: This post discusses suicidal ideation. Please take care while reading, and reach out for support if you need it.
I had my first anxiety attack when I was in first grade (not that anyone considered anxiety an issue for an apparently well-functioning 5-year-old in 1964) and have suffered that constant pang in my gut for my entire life.
But I pushed through and did all the things that were expected of me – HS, college, law school, marriage, children, a moderately successful 40-year career as a trial attorney, appointments to charitable advisory boards and boards of governors, American Inns of Court, President of my golf club, membership in Mensa, invitations to write for professional publications and e-zines … the list goes on. How could I possibly be unhappy – wasn’t my life going great?
Nevertheless, anxiety and the resultant self-doubt were my constant, unwelcome companions. About halfway through my career (call it 20 years ago), I realized that every little thing, no matter how meaningless, bothered me disproportionately and seemingly nothing made me happy. I knew something wasn’t right.
I had it all – a loving wife, two fantastic sons, a nice home in the ‘burbs, personal and professional respect from my peers, employees, partners, even the Judiciary – but I was miserable ALL the time. I tried talk therapy, Xanax, Zoloft … but nothing helped, so I just ‘manned up’ [my apologies to anyone who finds offense at that term, but I honestly don’t know a better way to express the thought – if you do, please put an appropriate gender-neutral term here and assume that’s what I wanted to say] and continued to slog through my life of ‘quiet desperation’.
Unsurprisingly, several years later I was officially diagnosed with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) but, again, my psychiatrist/psychopharmacologist and I tried just about every tricyclic, SSRI, and SNRI on the market, with and without supplements, anti-anxiolytics 3 times a day, even meditation (sadly, my head was far too ‘noisy’ for that to be effective during this dark period of time).
Nothing worked.
Indeed, most of the medications made things worse. We did genetic testing in an attempt to determine why I was so resistant to the commonly accepted treatments, to no avail. With the ongoing lack of success, my depression only escalated – for more than a decade of my life, notwithstanding my apparently ‘wonderful life’, I fantasized every morning about driving my car into an overpass on the parkway at 100 mph on the way to work, and went to bed every night secretly hoping that I’d be ‘lucky’ enough to fall asleep and not wake up.
It’s not that I wanted to die, but I couldn’t bear the thought of living with the constant mental anguish for the rest of my life – and that alarming thought dominated my existence. I had no interest in doing anything, nothing gave me pleasure, and the psychological pain was relentless. Even playing golf or playing gigs with my cover band (music and golf are my great passions) had somehow become stressful chores that I dreaded instead of providing the ‘escape’ for which such things are intended.
To put it mildly: Despite all outward appearances, my inner life was not going well, and I became, in a word, desperate.
As a last resort, my doctor suggested ECT. There was no way that was happening, so I began to do my own research. I read several articles in the news and professional journals as well as several medical research papers about growing interest and success using psychedelics in the treatment of anxiety, depression and related conditions. Having gone to college in the late-70’s, I had no problem with the idea of using psychedelics, but being an attorney (now retired), I had obvious misgivings about the legal status of psilocybin and LSD.
Then I read somewhere that the FDA had approved Spravato (the nasal spray form of Ketamine delivery) for the treatment of TRD (Treatment Resistant Depression), among many other things. At first, I resisted the idea of using Ketamine, but after weighing the options, I decided to give it a try. My expectations were low, but I had nothing to lose.
I discussed it with my psychiatrist, who initially was reluctant to give me his ‘blessing’ (this treatment may not yet be ‘mainstream’ but, mark my words, it will be), and he acknowledged that he had another patient who, like me, is what he terms a ‘ruminator’ (which I take to mean that the constant stream of chatter in my head never shuts off and, in my case at least, never says anything helpful or nice), so my doctor relented. My research satisfied me that KetaMC seemed like a good place for me to do this, so I made the call.
From first contact, I knew that I had made the correct decision. Within 48 hours after speaking with the extraordinarily pleasant intake person, who confirmed the same day that the treatments were covered by my health insurance (Medicare), I had appointments to speak separately with both a doctor AND a therapist, and they were each eager and happy to address all my questions and concerns (and I had many). They had already started to give me hope, even before the treatments began.
I began treatment in early March 2025, and by the third session I was already feeling the clouds begin to part. I’m certain everyone’s experience is unique, but for me each Ketamine session ‘shakes the snow globe’ just enough to create a space in which I could begin to learn how take control of and eventually banish those evil, amorphous dark thoughts that had been haranguing me every second of every day (they call it ‘neuroplasticity’ – I call it magic).
Each and every time I arrive at KetaMC (I go to the midtown Manhattan space because it is convenient, but they have many), I am greeted with a joyful smile and made to feel like a celebrity walking down the red carpet – by the doctors, nurses and staff alike – and I’ve done nothing to deserve such treatment, it’s just the way they are (with a very special and heartfelt shoutout to Mary, a true shining light whose deep, abiding kindness is pervasive, making every visit a joy – just imagine looking forward to a trip to a doctors’ office with happiness in place of trepidation)!
And it’s not just the medication; I speak weekly (via Google meet) with Stacey, an onboard therapist, about whom I cannot say enough good things – she is smart, capable, compassionate, quick-witted and extremely generous, both with her time and, most importantly, with her infectious love of life. That Stacey genuinely cares for her patients would be the understatement of the year. She helps me put things in proper perspective, understand the source of my feelings (both good and bad), and talks with me about relevant (and irrelevant) music, movies, books and philosophy, because she can sense that those are the things that work FOR ME. She even laughs at my old man jokes (well, sometimes – my sense of humor can be a little oblique ;0).
Working with Stacey and given the all-important ‘neuroplasticity’ provided by the Ketamine, we’ve achieved in 10 or 12 weeks what my psychopharmacologist and I could not achieve in over a decade, and what some may never manage in a lifetime. As I understand it, KAP (Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy) is not a formal requirement, but in my opinion it should be.
As I write this, ~ treatment #15, my symptoms have literally vanished. My ‘score’ on the PHQ9 depression scale has gone from a generous yet still moderately severe 19 down to ZERO! I am enjoying my life, getting out on the golf course with my buds, playing music and singing again with one of my old bandmates AND with one of my old college friends, rekindling friendships that have been dormant for years, and spending as much time as I can showering love on my two beautiful grandchildren – plus, my wife and I haven’t gotten along this well in 25 years!
This is not a subtle change, either – the catharsis is both stunning and undeniable.
EVERYONE, from my children to my friends to my dentist, has commented on how content and peaceful I seem to be of late. Of course, they all think it’s because retirement is wearing well on me (I formally retired and closed my practice in early 2024 – and I must admit, I also believed that was going to do it, but no such luck) – none of them, other than my wife and a very few select, trusted friends, know of my work with KetaMC.
Based on my astonishing (to me and to him) progress, even my once reluctant psychopharmacologist has promised me that he has put Ketamine treatment at KetaMC in his medical quiver so he can recommend it to other patients he believes would benefit from it.
If anyone still reading continues to harbor any doubts, dispel them. I have written this entirely voluntarily, in the hope that it will resonate with someone and that they will be motivated to make the phone call and get the help they need – the help they deserve. Take comfort in the knowledge that there IS a solution that works. All you need to do is call and make the appointment – from that point forward, the doctors, nurses and staff at KetaMC will take care of you like a VIP, and your quality of life will skyrocket.
Stop your suffering – make the call!!
NB: I have requested that my name be withheld from this writing for my own professional reasons – I wish it could be otherwise. I assure you that all I have said is true, that I have no financial interest in KetaMC or any part of it, and I am not being compensated for this testimonial in any way. I am a real patient who has gotten (and continues to get) real results.
— N.
Trigger Warning: This post discusses suicidal ideation. Please take care while reading, and reach out for support if you need it.
I had my first anxiety attack when I was in first grade (not that anyone considered anxiety an issue for an apparently well-functioning 5-year-old in 1964) and have suffered that constant pang in my gut for my entire life.
But I pushed through and did all the things that were expected of me – HS, college, law school, marriage, children, a moderately successful 40-year career as a trial attorney, appointments to charitable advisory boards and boards of governors, American Inns of Court, President of my golf club, membership in Mensa, invitations to write for professional publications and e-zines … the list goes on. How could I possibly be unhappy – wasn’t my life going great?
Nevertheless, anxiety and the resultant self-doubt were my constant, unwelcome companions. About halfway through my career (call it 20 years ago), I realized that every little thing, no matter how meaningless, bothered me disproportionately and seemingly nothing made me happy. I knew something wasn’t right.
I had it all – a loving wife, two fantastic sons, a nice home in the ‘burbs, personal and professional respect from my peers, employees, partners, even the Judiciary – but I was miserable ALL the time. I tried talk therapy, Xanax, Zoloft … but nothing helped, so I just ‘manned up’ [my apologies to anyone who finds offense at that term, but I honestly don’t know a better way to express the thought – if you do, please put an appropriate gender-neutral term here and assume that’s what I wanted to say] and continued to slog through my life of ‘quiet desperation’.
Unsurprisingly, several years later I was officially diagnosed with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) but, again, my psychiatrist/psychopharmacologist and I tried just about every tricyclic, SSRI, and SNRI on the market, with and without supplements, anti-anxiolytics 3 times a day, even meditation (sadly, my head was far too ‘noisy’ for that to be effective during this dark period of time).
Nothing worked.
Indeed, most of the medications made things worse. We did genetic testing in an attempt to determine why I was so resistant to the commonly accepted treatments, to no avail. With the ongoing lack of success, my depression only escalated – for more than a decade of my life, notwithstanding my apparently ‘wonderful life’, I fantasized every morning about driving my car into an overpass on the parkway at 100 mph on the way to work, and went to bed every night secretly hoping that I’d be ‘lucky’ enough to fall asleep and not wake up.
It’s not that I wanted to die, but I couldn’t bear the thought of living with the constant mental anguish for the rest of my life – and that alarming thought dominated my existence. I had no interest in doing anything, nothing gave me pleasure, and the psychological pain was relentless. Even playing golf or playing gigs with my cover band (music and golf are my great passions) had somehow become stressful chores that I dreaded instead of providing the ‘escape’ for which such things are intended.
To put it mildly: Despite all outward appearances, my inner life was not going well, and I became, in a word, desperate.
As a last resort, my doctor suggested ECT. There was no way that was happening, so I began to do my own research. I read several articles in the news and professional journals as well as several medical research papers about growing interest and success using psychedelics in the treatment of anxiety, depression and related conditions. Having gone to college in the late-70’s, I had no problem with the idea of using psychedelics, but being an attorney (now retired), I had obvious misgivings about the legal status of psilocybin and LSD.
Then I read somewhere that the FDA had approved Spravato (the nasal spray form of Ketamine delivery) for the treatment of TRD (Treatment Resistant Depression), among many other things. At first, I resisted the idea of using Ketamine, but after weighing the options, I decided to give it a try. My expectations were low, but I had nothing to lose.
I discussed it with my psychiatrist, who initially was reluctant to give me his ‘blessing’ (this treatment may not yet be ‘mainstream’ but, mark my words, it will be), and he acknowledged that he had another patient who, like me, is what he terms a ‘ruminator’ (which I take to mean that the constant stream of chatter in my head never shuts off and, in my case at least, never says anything helpful or nice), so my doctor relented. My research satisfied me that KetaMC seemed like a good place for me to do this, so I made the call.
From first contact, I knew that I had made the correct decision. Within 48 hours after speaking with the extraordinarily pleasant intake person, who confirmed the same day that the treatments were covered by my health insurance (Medicare), I had appointments to speak separately with both a doctor AND a therapist, and they were each eager and happy to address all my questions and concerns (and I had many). They had already started to give me hope, even before the treatments began.
I began treatment in early March 2025, and by the third session I was already feeling the clouds begin to part. I’m certain everyone’s experience is unique, but for me each Ketamine session ‘shakes the snow globe’ just enough to create a space in which I could begin to learn how take control of and eventually banish those evil, amorphous dark thoughts that had been haranguing me every second of every day (they call it ‘neuroplasticity’ – I call it magic).
Each and every time I arrive at KetaMC (I go to the midtown Manhattan space because it is convenient, but they have many), I am greeted with a joyful smile and made to feel like a celebrity walking down the red carpet – by the doctors, nurses and staff alike – and I’ve done nothing to deserve such treatment, it’s just the way they are (with a very special and heartfelt shoutout to Mary, a true shining light whose deep, abiding kindness is pervasive, making every visit a joy – just imagine looking forward to a trip to a doctors’ office with happiness in place of trepidation)!
And it’s not just the medication; I speak weekly (via Google meet) with Stacey, an onboard therapist, about whom I cannot say enough good things – she is smart, capable, compassionate, quick-witted and extremely generous, both with her time and, most importantly, with her infectious love of life. That Stacey genuinely cares for her patients would be the understatement of the year. She helps me put things in proper perspective, understand the source of my feelings (both good and bad), and talks with me about relevant (and irrelevant) music, movies, books and philosophy, because she can sense that those are the things that work FOR ME. She even laughs at my old man jokes (well, sometimes – my sense of humor can be a little oblique ;0).
Working with Stacey and given the all-important ‘neuroplasticity’ provided by the Ketamine, we’ve achieved in 10 or 12 weeks what my psychopharmacologist and I could not achieve in over a decade, and what some may never manage in a lifetime. As I understand it, KAP (Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy) is not a formal requirement, but in my opinion it should be.
As I write this, ~ treatment #15, my symptoms have literally vanished. My ‘score’ on the PHQ9 depression scale has gone from a generous yet still moderately severe 19 down to ZERO! I am enjoying my life, getting out on the golf course with my buds, playing music and singing again with one of my old bandmates AND with one of my old college friends, rekindling friendships that have been dormant for years, and spending as much time as I can showering love on my two beautiful grandchildren – plus, my wife and I haven’t gotten along this well in 25 years!
This is not a subtle change, either – the catharsis is both stunning and undeniable.
EVERYONE, from my children to my friends to my dentist, has commented on how content and peaceful I seem to be of late. Of course, they all think it’s because retirement is wearing well on me (I formally retired and closed my practice in early 2024 – and I must admit, I also believed that was going to do it, but no such luck) – none of them, other than my wife and a very few select, trusted friends, know of my work with KetaMC.
Based on my astonishing (to me and to him) progress, even my once reluctant psychopharmacologist has promised me that he has put Ketamine treatment at KetaMC in his medical quiver so he can recommend it to other patients he believes would benefit from it.
If anyone still reading continues to harbor any doubts, dispel them. I have written this entirely voluntarily, in the hope that it will resonate with someone and that they will be motivated to make the phone call and get the help they need – the help they deserve. Take comfort in the knowledge that there IS a solution that works. All you need to do is call and make the appointment – from that point forward, the doctors, nurses and staff at KetaMC will take care of you like a VIP, and your quality of life will skyrocket.
Stop your suffering – make the call!!
NB: I have requested that my name be withheld from this writing for my own professional reasons – I wish it could be otherwise. I assure you that all I have said is true, that I have no financial interest in KetaMC or any part of it, and I am not being compensated for this testimonial in any way. I am a real patient who has gotten (and continues to get) real results.
— N.
